I Don't Mind Drowning If Nothing's Going To Eat Me!!

It should be known that The Princess cannot swim.  It's not that my arms and legs can't coordinate into the necessary movements for aquatic manuevers.  I fully understand the physics of swimming and how to transmit this equations to my muscles in a graceful manner.  There are two major things that inhibit my ability to perform in an underwater setting.

The first obstacle is the fact that I am blind as a bat.  I don't mean that metaphorically.  I am quite literally blind to the point of serious visual impairment.  I don't mean "I have trouble reading" or "I need my glasses to drive" type of blind.  I mean I need glasses to find my glasses if they aren't where I put them.  I mean that I can literally walk into walls without optical assistance.  Still unclear?  For those of you who are visual learners...

This is the Snellen Eye Chart with which most people are familiar...

This is the Snellen Eye Chart as I see it...

That my friends is no exageration.  I actually took my glasses off for comparison and adjusted the focus until I had a match.  So as you can imagine, swimming becomes quite an interesting feat when you see the world through my eyes. 

For example... where is the safest part of the pool?

If you guesses the edge... you LIVED!!

Staying near the edge of the pool also negates the need to swim in the first place. 

So as I was saying, blind people cannot swim!

The second reason that aquatic gymnastics is beyond my comprehension is based on the physics of nasal passageways.  While you, the double-jointed ear-wiggling FREAK, might be able to prevent water from entering your nostrils by slowly exhaling bubbles... I CANNOT!  This is simply not an art that I can master for more than .025 seconds.  Thus, on many the occasion, I have been horrified by the burning sensation of chlorine infested (not to mention whatever else) H2O as it fries the inner linings of my mucus membranes.

THIS... my dear reader is what brings me to the REAL (as opposed to ADHD induce ramblings) REASON for this post!

I never liked the idea of shooting saline up your nose.  The simple thought of it sent cringing sensations through my nostrils as flashbacks to the high dive danced in my head!  OMG!?!?!  Why would you intentionally try to drown yourself?

Unfortunately, I was also born with sinus tubes as thin as a hair and therefore at the first sign of a mild cold, I am destined to be blessed with a sinus infection.  Last night, as the makings of a cold built in my head, I caved.  A phone call to Prince Charming asked for cold tablets and nasal saline.   What the hell... I'm gonna drown in nasty infected mucus... why not try saline first!

Dear Doctor,

I would appreciate it if you could install a tube into my sinuses that provides a constant drip of saline!!  I don't mind it leaking out my nose or the tubes that will be sticking out of my head.  I have never felt 2 minutes of such soothing nose love.  If you find me dead on my bathroom floor and the doctors are baffled by signs of drowning... just know if felt soooo damn good!

Sincerely,

A Very Congested Princess

Now excuse me while I go drown myself again!